My metaphorical death post elicited two kinds of responses: understanding and an uncomfortable sort of sadness. Sometimes I got both at the same time. I kind of expected that it might bum some people out, but I was pleasantly surprised by how many people could relate to one aspect or another. That’s why I share – for the hope of connecting and finding empathy, but I don’t want people to think of me as a downer. It’s just not who I am at my core.
My writing tends to be much darker than my every day personality. I’ve always got a smile on my face, I am quick to see the good in people, and I consider myself an undying optimist. But part of what allows me to stay so positive is the (relatively) quick and thorough processing of the negative stuff.
Before I starting blogging, those thoughts stayed messy and hidden away in journal in my nightstand. Now, I make the effort to process them in a way others might relate to and tell a story of sorts about the uglier aspects of my journeys. If you know me in real life, this probably won’t jive with your vision of me. That’s ok. What you see is still mostly me — I am a very positive upbeat person who loves life and sees opportunity everywhere — but this blog has allowed me to show a little more complexity. Because that’s life.
Lest some of you are afraid the Carinn you know and love is slipping away, I want to assure you that I’m still alive and thriving. To demonstrate, I offer a list of the five BEST things about my new schedule and the new hats I wear ranging from “that’s good even though it’s terrible (aka the way I feel about the new Miley Cyrus’s We Can’t Stop video*)” to “that’s as awesome as Ashton Kutcher’s Teen Choice award speech*.”
5. Sleep. Those two nights while the kids are away I experience a sleep deeper than Rihanna’s self-destructiveness. I don’t have one ear open at all times, waiting for that inevitable, “mommy, I wet my bed!” that comes when I haven’t had time to order more pull-ups and let my milk guzzling 4yo sleep in his underwear. I sleep a real sleep I wasn’t sure still existed. It’s heaven.
In fact, the only reason this is so low on the list is the flip side. My kids miss me so much (or maybe it’s just their ages and my guilt) that I am summoned into one or both of their beds (or pushed around in my own) roughly every two hours. Consequently I experience the fragmented sleep of the newborn days at least 3-4 nights a week. But I miss them so much (and who doesn’t love to look at a sleeping child?), so I don’t complain.
4. Ian getting quality and larger quantities of time with the kids. Ian has always been a good dad, but I know first hand just how much you miss when you’re gone all day five days a week. You miss the small moments that make the hair-pulling ones worthwhile every single time. Hearing him tell me about those small moments makes me swell with love for him and the family we have created. I will be forever grateful for that in our new hectic schedule.
3. Getting quality time with Ian. We have a built-in date night every single week. One that requires no planning, no stressing, no explaining. How lucky are we? We know how fortunate we are to get that time and we take advantage by trying out new restaurants all around the city.
2. My job. At the risk of sounding cocky, I am DAMN good at my job. I’m even better than I remembered. Being in-house is far different from the practice of law, and I didn’t realize how my role as outside counsel plays so much more to my strengths than my previous jobs since 2005. I also learned so much in those roles that contribute to me being such a kick-ass lawyer now. I totally crush it at work.
1. My dreams are still alive. Accepting where I am now does not mean I’m giving up on my dreams. In fact, it’s the opposite. By accepting my metaphorical death the other day, I’ve opened up space to envision a more positive future. I feel a dramatic shift since writing that post that only gives me clarity for my hopes and dreams. In fact I’ve had a creative surge of ideas. There are no abandoned dreams around these parts, let me assure you.
The past few weeks have brought monumental shifts in every aspect of my identity, but the fact that I will always keep my head high, see the bright side and move forward even stronger than before is proof that some things are set in stone. That, and the fact that my house is still a disgusting cluttered mess. Some things will never change.
*Videos referenced above, pasted below. Don’t say I didn’t warn you – the Miley video is seriously offensive (but I just can’t look away, WTH?). And the Ashton one may have a high BS factor, but I still agree with his (almost too) earnest message to kids.