Everyone warns you that you won’t have any privacy in the bathroom once you have children, but no one talks about what that actually means. Some of you expectant mothers might envision a door semi-ajar as you leave your angels playing with blocks in the adjoining room. You think you might even have a visitor just as you are finishing your tinkle and you will wisely take this moment to teach them good washing practices.
You’d be WRONG.
- You will nurse while sitting atop the porcelain throne. We don’t even talk about how the wiping gets done in these situations. Not even on this blog. It’s just survival.
- You will endure not only your own personal surprise but the shock of others when you unexpectedly get your period a little early. Questions will shoot from their small mouths like shells from an Uzi. “Why is there blood?!” “Mommy, are you bleeding?”! “Are you hurt?” “OH, UH, GOOOOO!” (that last one is from my grunting 17-month old daughter, but I am pretty sure it can be interpreted as “Is that shit gonna happen to me too?”)
- You will have multiple little people pointing as you attempt to apply a maxi-pad. A step-by-step lesson will be required if it has wings.
- You will be inserting your Nuvaring when the door bursts open and Lego-gate ’12 unfolds in front of your eyes.
- You will read “Hand Hand Fingers Thumb” aloud while dropping a deuce. Your child will be sitting on your lap.
- If, like me, you teach your kids to go potty in a plastic crapper, you will experience tandem dumping. You will resist for a long time, but when your son sits there for what feels like hours (“I’m not done yet I said!”) and insists you keep him company, you begin to see the efficiency.
This could take hours honey. Don’t worry, your bowels will get on his schedule just like your boobs, your appetite and your sleep.
- You will be reaping the benefits of your morning coffee when everyone in the house decides that is the exact moment they need to brush their teeth.
- You will be forced to defend yourself to the sudden intruder’s “what’s that smell?” query. Try not to answer “carnitas” if you take them to Chipotle the next day. They will remember. They will repeat.
What has surprised you about the “no privacy in the bathroom” situation?