The truth about “no bathroom privacy”: what really happens in the bathroom once you have kids

Everyone warns you that you won’t have any privacy in the bathroom once you have children, but no one talks about what that actually means.  Some of you expectant mothers might envision a door semi-ajar as you leave your angels playing with blocks in the adjoining room.  You think you might even have a visitor just as you are finishing your tinkle and you will wisely take this moment to teach them good washing practices.

You’d be WRONG.

Will it ever be just you and me again?
  • You will nurse while sitting atop the porcelain throne.  We don’t even talk about how the wiping gets done in these situations.  Not even on this blog.   It’s just survival.
  • You will endure not only your own personal surprise but the shock of others when you unexpectedly get your period a little early.  Questions will shoot from their small mouths like shells from an Uzi.  “Why is there blood?!”  “Mommy, are you bleeding?”!  “Are you hurt?”  “OH, UH, GOOOOO!”  (that last one is from my grunting 17-month old daughter, but I am pretty sure it can be interpreted as “Is that shit gonna happen to me too?”)
  • You will have multiple little people pointing as you attempt to apply a maxi-pad.  A step-by-step lesson will be required if it has wings.
“What is that? Why are you putting in there? Can it fly? I want one in my underwear!” -shouts from the peanut gallery
  • You will be inserting your Nuvaring when the door bursts open and Lego-gate ’12 unfolds in front of your eyes.
  • You will read “Hand Hand Fingers Thumb” aloud while dropping a deuce.  Your child will be sitting on your lap.
  • If, like me, you teach your kids to go potty in a plastic crapper, you will experience tandem dumping.  You will resist for a long time, but when your son sits there for what feels like hours (“I’m not done yet I said!”) and insists you keep him company, you begin to see the efficiency.

This could take hours honey. Don’t worry, your bowels will get on his schedule just like your boobs, your appetite and your sleep.

  • You will be reaping the benefits of your morning coffee when everyone in the house decides that is the exact moment they need to brush their teeth.
  • You will be forced to defend yourself to the sudden intruder’s “what’s that smell?” query.  Try not to answer “carnitas” if you take them to Chipotle the next day.  They will remember.  They will repeat.
I let you off the hook with the logo here. Do an image search for “carnitas” right now. I dare you.

What has surprised you about the “no privacy in the bathroom” situation?

About Carinn Jade

Mother, lawyer, yogi, writer, non-sleeper. Published @NYTMotherlode. Contributor @Mommyish @Moonfrye @HuffPostLive. I like beer (not wine) & tea (not coffee) & being a contrarian.
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18 Responses to The truth about “no bathroom privacy”: what really happens in the bathroom once you have kids

  1. and the applause that are returned after teaching them this way!….lol

  2. madisonblonde says:

    this is amazing. great post. I laughed out loud because I could relate to absolutely everything.

  3. Taryn says:

    Having J. here full-time means that at least once a day, I can tell him to watch Charlotte cause “I gotta go.” Sometimes, I dont actually have to go, I just want a few minutes to sit down by myself with a cup of tea and a book. So what if I have to do so in the bathroom?

  4. muddledmom says:

    I think I have forced all traces from those days out of my memory. What I do remember is being stuck on the toilet for obvious reasons and hearing the kitchen chair being pushed across the room toward the counter and immediately thinking, “My God, the sharp kitchen knives!” and yelling “What are you doing?” At some point you will realize, hey, you don’t need to be in here! That’s a glorious day! Funny post.

    • Isn’t it funny how every stage has it’s own things? My girlfriend has a 3 month old and I’m reliving the finer details of those early days. But with a 3yo and 1yo this is my reality. It’s probably safer to have them in there with me! Ahh, just a few more years, right?

  5. My most frequent visitor is the dog. He pushes the door right open…thus inviting the boys to follow him. “Pribe-acey” please!!!

  6. Kara d. says:

    How about the “why are you shaving THERE?”

  7. My daughter found my tampons and unwrapped each one, marveling at how big they got when she threw them in the toilet. Oh, my precious little angels. They are a “treat” sometimes. And yes, I miss pooping alone more than I ever thought possible.

  8. BAHAHAhahaha…carnitas. Hilarious.

    Last week toddler took unopened (no applicator) tampons from my backpack and tried to eat them. He figures everything I keep in there is a snack.

    Scene: large, full public ladies bathroom after a looooong drive. It’s finally our turn after waiting in line.
    Toddler: Mommy, you poop in you pants?
    Me: No that’s not poop. It’s blood.
    Toddler: Oh no! You hurt?
    Me: No. It means I’m healthy because ladies’ bodies sometimes make too much blood and need to let some out.
    Toddler: Oh. Okay. If you poop in you pants like lady.
    Me: No….I…never mind.

  9. Off Duty Mom says:

    One day I will pee in peace. Right? Right? 🙂

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