My Tasmanian Devil Baby

Daughter /ˈdôtər/.  Noun: a female offspring, known to produce excessive gray hairs and worry wrinkles, and inspire nightmares on a regular basis FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Yep, that’s my daughter.

At the playground, she doesn’t seem to understand that she can’t just waltz off a 2 foot step.

This won’t result in a concussion, right?

To make matters worse, after discovering this spin-ny thing at our new playground she’s pretty sure she can fly.

Pure unadulterated joy

She’s not much better in the house either.  Since she first learned to crawl she can’t pass by an outlet without sticking her finger in it.

And now that she is older and so much wiser, she loves to pull those plastic covers out…and put them back in.  Over and over.

So much for baby-proofing. Do they have a ‘Chloe-proofing’ aisle at Target?

Basically, she’s always looking for trouble.

Don’t mind me, nothing to see here.

And when she finds it, it’s serious stuff – like poisonous chemicals, risk of electrocution or serious head trauma (see above for photographic evidence). So I scold her in my “I’m-so-serious-my-voice-is-three-octaves-lower-DO-NOT-TOUCH-THAT-EVER-AGAIN” tone.  It’s so potent my 3 year-old in the other room starts whimpering from the ferocity of my voice.  But Chloe?  This is her reaction:

“Awww, come on mom! Lighten up.”
Then she pokes me in the eye or sticks her finger up my nose. I’m not kidding.

I know she loves me, yet most of her daily effort seems to be directed towards ensuring my early demise.

What am I supposed to do with this child?  I cannot find a copy of “What to Expect When You’re Child is the Tasmanian Devil” anywhere.

According to Wikipedia, the animal by the same name will “eat household products if humans are living nearby.” I wonder if he enjoys lemon scented pledge as much as Chloe would.

Help?!?!

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About Carinn Jade

Mother, lawyer, yogi, writer, non-sleeper. Published @NYTMotherlode. Contributor @Mommyish @Moonfrye @HuffPostLive. I like beer (not wine) & tea (not coffee) & being a contrarian.
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