Hello, my name is Carinn and I am a writer

On occasion I look at my kids and wonder what careers they might enjoy (looking for ideas maybe?).

Will he be the singer in a rock band?

I am already beginning to rehearse my pearl of wisdom when they ask me for guidance.  “Find what you love and do it every day.”  Simple yet sage advice, right?  Except it’s damn near impossible to determine, let alone achieve!

You know what I love?  I love writing.  I love finding the words to express the way I’m feeling.  I love telling a story.  I love creating a world from scratch.  I love research and data.  I love finding a point of view.

I wrote hundreds of pages of stories, essays and projects through my school years.   In the past three years I’ve written a business plan, a thesis on the benefits of yoga for fertility, and a screenplay (that sits in a drawer).  These days I squeeze in time to write posts, jot down thoughts in my journal, and brainstorm ideas for novels.

Yet I never consider myself a writer.

Writing doesn’t pay the bills.  Writing is hard.  Writing takes time I don’t have.  Writing requires discipline.  Writing begs for talent.

I’m not great at this craft.  Even if I could start finish a novel, I could never get an agent.  Even if I could get an agent, I’d never be able to sell it to a publisher.  Even if it was published, no one would buy it.  Even if I had a best seller I would have nothing to follow it up.

See, I even have stories to prevent myself from writing stories.

Of course there are those inspiring tales of raging success against the odds – JK Rowling being rejected twelve times, Stephanie Meyer having the idea for the Twilight trilogy in a single vision, or Suzanne Collins having to bite her nails for a few years after publishing until The Hunger Games really caught fire.

Never give up on your dreams — that’s the lesson these tales teach us.  But what if you gave up on your dreams years ago?  What if you already spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on an education that instructed you to be someone else?

What if your dreams are delusional?  Let’s be honest: the Paul Kinseys of the world don’t know they are the Paul Kinseys of the world.

What if this control freak is scared to be in an arena where success appears to be, at least in part, random?

WHAT IF?

WHAT IF.

What if I stopped taking life so seriously?

What if every day I woke up and just decided to write?

What if I stopped needing to make sense of every single thing I do?

WHAT IF!

They say that the first step to overcoming negative behavior is admission.  I admit all of these truths and more.  I admit I am powerless over the need to empty the contents of my brain, my thoughts, my often wild imagination, on paper.  I admit I cannot stop, would not stop, even if it means no one other than Ian will ever be a fan of my work.

So here I stand before you, beautiful people of the interwebs, to admit I have a problem.

“Hello,” I begin, sheepishly.

[Beautiful people of the interwebs say ‘hello’ back]

Hello, my name is Carinn and I am a writer.

 

I just hope this affliction isn’t genetic
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About Carinn Jade

Mother, lawyer, yogi, writer, non-sleeper. Published @NYTMotherlode. Contributor @Mommyish @Moonfrye @HuffPostLive. I like beer (not wine) & tea (not coffee) & being a contrarian.
This entry was posted in am I doing this right?, Creative Writing, Non-fiction and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Hello, my name is Carinn and I am a writer

  1. Mommy OM says:

    Hello Carinn. It’s wonderful to meet you. My name is Lisa. I am just as confused and enthusiastic as you are. We can be great friends.

  2. “Even if I could start finish a novel, I could never get an agent. Even if I could get an agent, I’d never be able to sell it to a publisher. Even if it was published, no one would buy it. Even if I had a best seller I would have nothing to follow it up.

    See, I even have stories to prevent myself from writing stories.”

    I can SO relate to this post. It’s scary to want to do something so badly that doesn’t have a path–no degree plan, no corporate ladder, no map. It’s just you, your words, and the luck of the draw. That’s probably why so many creative types end up becoming alcoholics. lol

  3. Great post. I’ve recently tried saying to people when they ask what I do, “I’m a writer.” There’s always a look. It’s like no one believes me and/or no one thinks that’s a real thing “to do.” Or maybe I’m just projecting all my insecurities. Whatever.

    • Oh I know that feeling. What can you do? That’s why I am practicing it as often as I can. It doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, I can barely form the words in my brain. But it’s a start.

  4. I am RIGHT there with you. I desperately want to be a writer – it’s my true passion and maybe, just maybe – my calling. But I’ve got the same “What If’s” that you do – and that’s what keeps me from calling myself “a writer”.

    But you’ve inspired me, so maybe now I will.

    Hi Carinn. My name is Jennifer, and I’m a writer.

  5. Taryn says:

    Good for you for recognizing what you want to be, and not being afraid to admit it. How many of us are stuck doing things that we do because we feel that we should, or have convinced ourselves that it’s what’s best?
    p.s. you have a thesis on yoga for fertility? Publish that, I know I’d be interested!

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