Ladies (and the three men that are obligated to read this by marriage or blood) — listen up! I am in desperate need of your help. You see, it’s May!
[you nod in confused agreement].
What’s so special about May? You mean, you don’t know??
May is THE month I get pregnant. Every other year.
May 2008 – after nearly a year of trying, May was the magic month. That year I
shocked the hell out of surprised my husband on Father’s Day by making him breakfast and breaking the news (no, I’m not sure which shocked him more).
May 2010 – armed with the confusion that it took nearly a year to conceive our first, we decided to let nature take its course when I stopped nursing just a few short weeks before. And a few short weeks later my 15 month old had the positive pregnancy test in his mouth (I was too shocked to grab it away after it dropped from my stunned hand).
So here we are, May 2012. The kids are sleeping wonderfully (finally). Ian and I are going on a Caribbean vacation. Alone (as in no kids). And I just held the 7 day old baby of one of my best friends (I loved every second of it). My uterus is feeling kinda lonely…
WAIT, WAIT. This is craziness! We cannot have any more children! Why? you ask. Well for starters:
1. I suffer from hyperemesis gravidarum. Which might just sound like the worst morning sickness ever, but in reality it involves vomiting that scares small children, hospital stays, IVs, threat of miscarriage and generally complete incapacitation.
2. We live in NYC and are not in the 1%. Which means the third child will have to sleep in the sink until it’s old enough to move out.
3. I love sleep.
4. I need sleep.
5. I finally get to sleep.
What’s that? Those aren’t good enough reasons? The joys of motherhood far outweigh these minor details?
Ok, well here are my top five reasons that we should have another child (ranked in order from the most important to the most shallow):
3. No periods for another two years.
5. We have one kid that is my mini-me and another that is my husband’s clone. What would the in between mix look like?
As you can see, I’m not fit to be a parent to the two I already have, so we can all agree a third is out. Right?
[please say RIGHT loud enough for my ovaries to hear you]