My Greatest Fear

I enjoy seeing what the gang at WordPress serve up every day in their Daily Prompt and I found today’s particularly intriguing after the events of the past two days.

You’re locked in a room with your greatest fear. Describe what’s in the room.

My room is empty.  There are no spiders, no airplanes, no clowns.  All my fears lie within.

On Monday I received an email that, in part, fulfilled a pie-in-the-sky goal of mine. The email was a call to action: I had to write a piece revealing a complicated and personal issue.  If you’ve ever read my blog or any of my freelance work you would probably think this is easy for me.  I have revealed intimate details about my post-partum body, struggles with my identity, and my parenting challenges.  For the most part you would be right in thinking this isn’t a big deal.  I enjoy sharing my stories and I am comfortable putting myself out there for others to judge.  This assignment, however, was different for one reason:  the stakes were high in my mind.

What if I can’t make the piece come together?

This topic is trivial and unworthy of any attention.

I wish I had offered to write about X, Y, Z.

The writing is flat.

I’m all over the place.

I bit off more than I can chew.

I should just throw in the towel now.

This is terrible and I don’t know how to make it better.

I will be revealed as the worst writer ever.

She will regret ever giving me a shot.

I’m a fraud.

I will submit a piece that will never be published.  This of course means I can never write again and I might as well pack up my computer and call it a life.

I could go on for hours but I think you get the picture.  This should have been a really happy moment in my life, but as it morphed into reality from my dreams, it looked scary and distorted.

All my life I felt compelled, and was encouraged to, shoot for the stars.  I will not let fear stop me from pursuing my goals.  I instead I charge at my dreams, full steam ahead.  It’s the achieving them that always trips me up.  The self-doubt paralyzes me.  Regret overcomes me.  I beg opportunities to come knocking, but once they are at the door I want to hide in a closet until they go away.

On this blog I often share the good things that are happening in my life.  I share my accomplishments with pride and that’s all very real.  What I don’t always share is the doubts, the fears, the struggles I have in getting there.  If you think the world throws me no obstacles, you can rest assured I excel at throwing many a tire, tree branch, and boulder in front of me on the road I travel.

Trapped in a room with your greatest fear, describe what’s in the room.  

Standing 5’4 with a slight frame, reddish-olive skin, brown eyes, and short brown hair.  My greatest fear is just being me.

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